The Most Ridiculous Vintage Tabloid Headlines

Tabloids like the National Enquirer are known for creating salacious headlines to bring in readers. They use everything from head transplants to mysterious alien babies to draw in audiences purely for the entertainment factor but sometimes even tabloids end up reporting actual news. Explore a list of the craziest vintage tabloids and the crazy stories they told!

Rita Hayworth Zombie

In this classic tabloid cover, the legendary bombshell Rita Hayworth declares that she has come back to life after being a zombie for two years. Hilarious! Certain types of tabloids don’t even attempt to go for any kind of realistic factor which really makes it all the more entertaining. Rita is probably most known for the film Gilda.

An interesting fact about Rita is that when she first entered into showbiz she had to change her last name. Rita was of Spanish-origin and changed her name from Cansino to Hayworth. She also had painful electrolysis on her hairline to make her look “less ethnic” and to prevent being typecast in stereotypical roles.

Human Caterpillar

While this vintage tabloid did feature a celebrity with the photo of Marilyn Monroe, the real star of this cover is the human caterpillar featured front and center. The tabloid even boasts a human caterpillar with no arms or legs but who is a husband and father! Interestingly, this almost strangely prophetical at this point because many years later a film was made called The Human Centipede.

The super gross horror film even had multiple parts (no pun intended) and wasn’t nearly as innocent as The National Enquirer cover. It was extremely controversial when it was first released, which was seemingly the director’s goal.

Funny Looking Audrey Hepburn

This tabloid cover featured actress Audrey Hepburn and a dissection of her facial features. This cover, in particular, is clearly a predecessor to the tabloids of today which often dissect celebrities and their facial features and body parts in a very similar manner. More than likely this cover hit the stands after her film Funny Face hit the theaters.

This tabloid just took a clearly literal interpretation. The film was composed by the legendary Gershwin brothers and she starred alongside Fred Astaire. The movie has a song of the same name and the artwork featured Hepburn’s famous face. She was, of course, known worldwide for her beauty so this tabloid is particularly ridiculous.

Julie Jokes

Julie Newmar is an actress most famous for being Catwoman in the original Batman series. When this tabloid was produced she was also starring in a sitcom called My Living Doll, where she played a lifelike android. The phrase “does not commute” in popular culture lexicon is attributed to this show.

The 1980’s series Small Wonder was also inspired by the show. Of course the headline “I’m no robot”, is more than likely being suggestive about Julie’s status as a sex symbol. The headline at the bottom is also pretty hilarious – “murdered by her drunken cat”, it would be pretty great to find out how that article read.

Animal Sofia

This cover features the legendary beauty Sofia Loren, with a declaration from her husband, “I married the perfect female animal.” Sophia was married to director Carlo Ponti in 1957 and they remained married until his death in 2007.

Before she married Ponti, she was engaged in an affair with actor Cary Grant on the set of Houseboat. Cary hoped to continue on their relationship, however, Sophia agreed to marry Carlo instead. When Sofia and Carlo first married, he was actually married to someone else. In order to avoid bigamy charges the two had their marriage annulled, only to remarry some years later.

Sad Sal

Sal Mineo was an actor most famous for starring in rebel without a cause with actor James Dean. After the role, Sal was typecast as a troubled teenager. Once he got older it was difficult for him to book roles, also because Sal was allegedly either bisexual or gay.

Sal himself confirmed that he had relationships with both me and women over the years. There were even rumors that he was involved with James Dean, although they were refuted. In 1976, Sal was stabbed to death by a pizza delivery man after arriving home from rehearsing for a play. He was only thirty seven years old.

Never To Marry

This tabloid boasts that Richard Burton proclaimed that he will never marry Liz (Taylor). Elizabeth Taylor is famed for her beauty, her acting, and of course her many marriages. She was married eight different times and twice to the same man. That man was Richard Burton. Clearly, this was written before the two actually did initially marry the first time.

It is commonly thought that the two were the love of one another’s lives although their affair was known to be quite torrid and chaotic. Richard suffered from alcoholism which was a leading factor in the demise of their relationship and subsequently claimed his life.

Killer Maid

George Montgomery was an actor famous for appearing alongside Gene Tierney in the film China Girl. This tabloid is one instance of a gossip rag actually reporting the news. In 1963, George was the victim of an attempted to shooting and the culprit was none other than his housemaid.

When authorities arrived on the scene they found a note in the maid’s pocket which said that she didn’t like that George spent his time with ”stupid looking glamour girls”. She apparently aimed to shoot him and then kill herself, however thankfully neither happened. George lived until the ripe old age of eighty-four in the year 2000.

Pat Neal’s Tragedy

This tabloid is another example of news reporting – the tragedy that befell actress Pat Neal. In the early 1960s, the couple suffered through grievous injury to one child and the death of another. Pat was known for her role in Hud, opposite of Paul Newman, for which she won an Oscar. In 1960, her infant son Theo had his baby carriage hit by a taxicab in New York. He suffered brain damage but subsequently underwent rehabilitation and recovered.

Two years later, her seven-year-old daughter died from a bout with the measles. Three years after that Pat was pregnant and suffered from three burst cerebral aneurysms. This caused her to be in a coma, and people largely thought she was going to die. However, she was able to pull through with a new form of treatment for stroke patients. She had to relearn to walk and talk and ultimately gave birth to a healthy baby girl named Lucy.

Elvis Can’t Get A Wife

Legendary actor and performer Elvis Presley is shown as a lonely superstar in this tabloid cover. He is shown with a sad look on his face while the headline laments, “I’m looking for a wife … but I can’t find one!” This is surely something that Elvis never had any issues with.

Elvis met his future wife Priscilla when she was only fourteen. Elvis was twenty-four at the time and already famous. Eight years later, the two married after dating for many years. This tabloid was probably printed because Elvis had not yet publicly settled down although privately he was known to always be in relationships. Elvis was one of the first major male sex symbols so he had women willing to marry him from all over the globe!

Hillary Clinton’s Alien

This tabloid isn’t nearly as vintage as some of the other one’s found on this list, but it is definitely one of the funniest. Apparently, Hillary Clinton adopted an alien baby that was stranded after its spacecraft crashed in Arkansas. This was ran sometime during Bill Clinton’s first term of presidency hence the reference to their home state.

It’s also pretty funny how it notes that the secret service is building a special nursery for their little alien baby. In 2016, stories like this were ran and people unfortunately fell for them. For example, Hillary was at the center of another false story that was touted as news – Pizzagate.

Beatnick Barbra

This story ran on the testimony of someone who claimed to have spoke to Barbra Streisand herself. Although, in the story they claim they never saw her face but heard her unmistakable voice. Barbra was lamenting that she was happier in her pre-fame Beatnik days. Basically, she missed the days of not being famous because she didn’t have to work about her appearance or “manners”.

The article quotes her as saying that she missed the days of when she worked as a babysitter for only fifty cents an hour but didn’t have to deal with public pressure. This tabloid is another that might actually be true, many people who have achieved fame over the years long for the days when they were anonymous members of society.

Desired Ursula Andress

This tabloid features the actress Ursula Andress who is best known for her role as Bond Girl Honey Ryder in Dr. No, the first ever Bond film. Ursula was married to the famed photographer John Derek. The headline says that Ursula’s husband said “Every man wants my wife”, which might have very well been true at the time. Especially with her famous scene in Dr. No when her character emerges from the ocean wearing a white bikini.

Ursula and John later split, and she went on to have four other partners but never married again. John later famously married Bo Derek. Bo and John first became involved when she was only sixteen years old and stayed in Europe until she turned eighteen in order to avoid statutory rape charges. John and Bo remained together until his death in the late 90’s.

The President’s Daughter

Chalk another one up for the political tabloid covers! This one features Lynda Bird, the daughter of president Lyndon B. Johnson. LBJ, of course, became president after the assassination of John F. Kennedy. At the time, she was dating actor George Hamilton and the two became one of the first couples to be protected by the Secret Service.

So again, for her, this tabloid cover is probably true! Who wants to have security guards following you when you are in a new relationship? Ultimately, Lynda went on to marry Charles Robb who ultimately became involved in politics himself as both a governor and a senator of Virginia.

JFK Sick?!

This tabloid came out previous to JFK’s assassination, and purported that he had a secret illness that he was hiding from the world. The photo used seems to show the president using crutches. While JFK was not known to have any illnesses that would cause him to use crutches he did apparently suffer from health problems.

According to records from his doctor he suffered from high fevers, stomach, colon, prostate issues, abscesses, high cholesterol, and adrenal problems. He also was later revealed to have Addison’s disease, an endocrine disorder, and possibly had an autoimmune syndrome. Surely, the stress of being the leader of the free world did not help him at all in respect to his health.

Trump Tabloid

Donald Trump has been in the tabloids so much that’s its kind of interesting that he doesn’t own one by this point. The tabloids especially went after The Donald after his messy divorce from his first wife Ivana, as he took up with Marla Maples before divorcing her. He subsequently married Marla and the two had daughter Tiffany together.

Marla and Donald’s marriage also ended messily, with tabloids claim that both were cheating on one another, and the two still seem to have a rather acrimonious relationship. Although, Marla did publicly support Donald’s presidential run and even attended his inauguration, along with his first wife Ivana.

JFK And Elvis

This tabloid was definitely a two for one deal, the headline features a JFK conspiracy theory but the photo features an unflattering image of Elvis. JFK conspiracy theories have existed since his tragic assassination, especially surrounding shooter Lee Harvey Oswald.

A very common conspiracy theory is that he was either not the shooter or there was in fact a second shooter. There have even been documentaries dedicated to the theory. Secondly, the image of Elvis is a sad one as it alludes to his “strange behavior”, this photo was in all actuality showing Elvis in the throes of prescription drug addiction not long before his death.

Russians And Wonder Woman

This is yet another tabloid that features an image that does not correlate with its top headline for whatever reason. The headline declares that Russians have discovered a way to stop aging. Russians have discovered many things throughout history and most recently they discovered a way to interfere with the 2016 presidential election which is truly a terrifying aspect.

This particular tabloid cover also features an image of Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman with the claims that success has gone to her head, and that she has onset diva behavior. It’s unknown if Lynda actually did have “wonder tantrums” but she certainly went on to continue working so it’s probably gossip fodder.

Head Transplants

This tabloid was more than likely created after the death of Elvis as it insinuates that he had his head transplanted onto his grandson’s body. As though this couldn’t be any more ridiculous, Elvis had only one child, Lisa Marie Presley. She did have one son but did not give birth to him until 1992 and this tabloid was published in the late 70’s. While face transplants have been medically achieved in recent years, pretty sure head transplants are still just a thing of science fiction.

Although various animals like dogs and monkey have been the subject of head transplant experiments, the subjects have always died shortly after. In 2015, an Italian neurosurgeon said that a successful human head transplant may be possible by 2017 and a thirty-year-old Russian man with a deteriorating neuromuscular disease volunteered to be the subject. It is yet to be seen if this will actually be performed.

White Men Are Devils?!

This tabloid contains two pretty crazy headlines. First it focuses on Jackie Kennedy, saying she predicted the assassination of her brother in law Robert Kennedy. This isn’t so hard to believe as her own husband and Bobby’s brother had just been assassinated so she likely knew her family was at risk. Especially because Bobby was known to speak out for issues like civil rights in an even more prominent way.

Secondly, we have Cassius Clay (who would be known in the future as Mohamed Ali) proclaiming that white men are devils. He actually did say this, and it seems it was specifically in response to the major racism and issues going on in America at the time. Directly before Bobby Kennedy was killed, Martin Luther King Jr. was silenced in an assassination as well.